The Glossary

Shared language is what converts “drama” — a word that hides everything — into specific, discussable behavior. When a fourth grader, her parents, and the parents of the girl who excluded her are all using the same words with the same meanings, a conversation becomes possible that vague language forecloses. These terms are taught to parents in session two of the formation series and to children in the children’s program meetings. The definitions below are the working core; the glossary grows as the community’s experience does.

Conflict vs. bullying

Conflict is a disagreement between rough equals and is a normal, even necessary part of childhood — children must learn to resolve it themselves. Bullying is repeated aggression with a power imbalance and intent to harm. The distinction matters: over-labeling conflict as bullying teaches fragility; under-labeling bullying as conflict abandons the victim.

Relational aggression

Harm inflicted through relationships rather than fists: exclusion, rumor-spreading, alliance-building against a target, the silent treatment, conditional friendship. The dominant form of aggression in grades 3–8, especially among girls, and the form schools are worst at addressing (Crick; Simmons, Odd Girl Out; Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes).

Social exclusion

The deliberate, visible leaving-out of a child — the party everyone but one was invited to, the lunch table that closes. Distinct from mere preference; the signature is that the exclusion is meant to be seen.

Bystander / upstander

The bystander watches or stays silent, and their attention is the aggressor’s paycheck. The upstander intervenes, defuses, refuses to laugh, includes the target, or gets adult help. Converting bystanders to upstanders is the highest-leverage cultural intervention known to the research.

Flipping the script

The reversal maneuver: when confronted, recasting the aggressor as the real victim (“your kid deserved it,” “she started it”). Related to the clinical pattern DARVO — Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Naming this pattern in advance is the best inoculation against it.

Teasing vs. taunting

Teasing is mutual, affectionate, and stops when it stings. Taunting is one-directional, meant to sting, and escalates when it lands. Children know the difference; this language lets them say it.

Digital pile-on

Group-chat aggression: screenshots shared for mockery, coordinated exclusion, the 100-message thread about one absent child. Invisible to schools, fully visible to covenant parents who review chats.

Repair

The required response to harm: genuine apology, restitution where possible, changed behavior. The restorative alternative to both empty “say sorry” rituals and pure punishment.